|And I'll Cry If I Want To|
|Season 1, episode 3|
|Lydia introduces Barb to her date|
October 3, 2005
And I'll Cry If I Want To is the third episode of Out of Practice.
Ben and Lydia are at the hospital. They're going to get lunch, so they're waiting for an elevator. The elevator comes, but it's going up, so Lydia says they can just ride it up and then ride it down. They enter the elevator to see Barb McGee, who says if Lydia wants to talk, she's there. Barb exits the elevator and Lydia says the news of Stewart and Crystal must be out because Barb is the biggest gossip in the hospital. The elevator opens and a hospital worker asks Lydia how she is. Lydia says she's great. Crystal then enters the elevator before noticing who's in there. They greet each other and Crystal says it's awkward. And then she notices the elevator's going up when she wanted to go down. Lydia says they did as well. Crystal says they both made the same mistake. The elevator doors open to reveal Stewart and Lydia says, "And here he is." Stewart tries to avoid taking the elevator, but Crystal pulls him on. They're going down now. The doors open again to reveal Barb gossiping to someone on the phone. She gets on the elevator. An orderly brings a patient in a wheelchair onto the elevator. The patient starts to ask about Lydia, but the orderly shushes her. The patient gives Lydia a flower.
Lydia comes into the diner, where Oliver, Regina, and Ben are eating, and she's on the phone, talking to the caterer about her party. She's not happy with him. She tells her kids she's throwing a party for people from the hospital so people can see that she's doing well. Oliver asks if she wants them at the hospital. She says absolutely and Ben, too. Regina reminds her that she's there and Lydia says Regina has a history at her parties. She got into a fight with a girlfriend and the made up with her on top of the coats. She also once came as a dominatrix. She defends that it was a costume party. But Lydia says it was a Christmas theme. She was going for naughty and they got a rental Santa with a lap no one could sit on. Regina says she has to leave and she won't come if her mom doesn't want. Lydia says, "Don't be ridiculous." and Regina agrees to come, but Lydia says she meant for Regina not to be ridiculous at her party. Ronald Barker comes up and Lydia introduces him to Ben. He asks if he can steal their hot sauce and Lydia says it's not stealing if he asks. He laughs and pats her arm. He says it was nice seeing her before leaving. She says he was pitying her, but her sons tell her he was flirting with her. Oliver starts to explain it and when Ben starts to explain the psychology behind it, she shushes him so Oliver can continue. Ben suggests that she ask Ron to be her date to the party.
Lydia goes over to the table, but chickens out and instead just takes the hot causing. Ben and Oliver encourage her silently, so she turns back and invites him to the party as her special guest. He agrees to come. She returns to the table and delivers the good news. Stewart comes in and says hi before going to the counter to order. Ben and Oliver suggest that she invite Stewart and Crystal. She says it'll put Stewart in an awkward position and then immediately goes to do it. He agrees after admitting that he thought the first time Lydia and Crystal were at a social function together, he'd be in a box. Lydia comes back to the table just in time for Oliver to stop an attractive woman and get up to greet her. It's Tina, whom he says he hasn't seen in ages. He leaves with her.
While waiting for the party to start, Regina notes that for every picture of her in their mom's place, there's five of Oliver. Oliver takes the picture she was holding and says he was cute. He finds on of her and their mom playing Princess, but Ben says it's actually him. She told him he was a wizard. "A pink wizard?" Regina questions. He says forgive him for being the daughter she never had. Ben still thinks he could kick Regina's ass. They start to shove each other and spill some nuts. Lydia comes out of the kitchen and Oliver says Regina started it, which Lydia says she knows. Lydia reminds Regina that she said she'd behave and tells them to pick up the nuts as the doorbell rings.
At the door is Barb and Ed. Barb sees the empty room and says she hates a crowded party. Barb recognizes Regina, who says it's because she was the attending in the ER when Barb came in with a broken ankle. Barb says she meant the Christmas party where Regina came as a sex maniac. Barb says everyone is buzzing about her new man. Lydia says he's not there yet and directs Barb to the bar. The doorbell rings again and it's Ron. He introduces Liz McCarthy, his secretary and and fiancée. Lydia is shocked that he's engaged. She asks Oliver and Ben to join her in the kitchen, which they reluctantly do.
In the kitchen, she gestures with a knife while she berates them for their advice. They suggest that they just say that he couldn't make it, but she can't do that because the party was meant to restore her reputation. Oliver says they'll find someone for her. Lydia says she can't do that, Barb peeks into the kitchen and says the apartment looks great and there's something to be said about not having a man around to clutter the place up, which prompts Lydia to reconsider.
Regina comes into the kitchen and says Lydia can't keep hiding. Lydia says she can't handle people continuing to tell her they're dying to meet her date. Regina says it's weird not to be the person Lydia's mad at at one of her parties. Lydia says it'll get weirder when she dresses Regina up as a guy and says she's her boyfriend. The doorbell rings and Lydia hopes it's Oliver and Ben with her date.
Lydia passes Ron on the way to the door and he asks if she has any hot sauce and she asks if he's an addict. It's not her date at the door, but Stewart and Crystal. Crystal offers up the scented bath soaps she got Lydia. Lydia gives her permission to call her by her first name. Crystal says it feels weird to call her that to her face. Stewart goes to get her a drink and Crystal says it couldn't have been easy for Lydia to invite her and Lydia says it couldn't have been easy for Crystal to get into her dress.
Ben comes in, but he has no date. He says he asked every middle-aged man he knows if they were free tonight. Most of them thought he was asking them out and some of them said yes. Ron calls to Lydia and she pleads with Ben to kill her. He says that he wishes he and his ex-wife could have remained friends like Lydia and Stewart have. She says it's given and take and Stewart says that everything there, she took. Liz says she and Crystal have a lot in common. Working at the same hospital as secretaries for their love doctors. Lydia excuses herself to have a word with the bartender. She asks him for some gin.
Ben comes up to her and asks if she's all right. She says she can't keep up the charade and she'll have to tell people he couldn't make it. Barb comes up and says she's still waiting to meet Lydia's date. Lydia starts to confess just as Oliver comes in with a man. He introduces them to Kurt, saying he rode up with him on the elevator. Kurt kisses her cheek. He was a patient of Oliver's. Just an eye tuck, he says. The rest is real. Lydia thanks him and he says after meeting her, he should be thanking Oliver. He introduces Kurt to Barb, who asks how they met. Lydia is flustered, but Kurt quickly comes up with a story of meeting in a coffee shop.
Regina says they're the golden boys again. Oliver confesses that Kurt's a male escort. He says Ben owes him $300 because of it. Regina jokes that she remembers when you could get your mom a hooker for under $100.
Lydia introduces Kurt to Stewart and Crystal. Stewart compliments his suit and as Ben and Oliver walk by, Lydia says that Kurt is the best that money can buy. Lydia compliments Crystal's shoes and Crystal says they should go shopping sometime.
Barb comes up to them and asks how she recognizes Kurt. She thinks about it. Stewart asks what Kurt does for a living and Oliver says he's a physical therapist. He says that Kurt fixed his foot thing. Stewart says he has a foot thing and asks if Kurt could do him, but says with a big guy like Kurt, he'd be walking funny for a week. Lydia says for her, it's her neck. She woke up with this pain. Kurt puts down his class and starts to work on her neck. When she moans, Barb remembers how she knows Kurt. Her friend Mitzi Wells was one of his clients and she thought he was great. Lydia agrees.
Ben pulls Oliver aside and says it's bad. Oliver wants to leave, but Ben wants to tell their mom.
Barb asks Lydia how much Kurt charges and Lydia says he's worth every penny and Oliver swears by him. Oliver pulls her into the kitchen and Ben tells Regina not to let Barb talk to anyone since she knows about Kurt. Regina throws a drink on her just as she starts to talk to Ron. She apologizes and takes her to put club soda on it.
In the kitchen, Lydia says it's going great and after a few more drinks, she might ask her date on a date. They admit that he's a male escort. She's horrified. She reviews the situation. She throws a party to salvage her reputation. They convince her to ask out a man who is engaged. But not to worry, there's a plan B. They hired a male escort as her new, improved date. They didn't want to let her down again, but she says they just need to get him out of there. Oliver then has to admit that someone else knows. Stewart comes in and she thinks he knows, so she admits it. But he didn't know. Barb peeks into the kitchen and says people will be talking about this party for a week. Stewart rushes out to cancel an appointment he had made with Kurt. Ben and Oliver say that Lydia had no idea what Kurt does for a living. Barb says she won't breathe a word about in and Regina assures her that she won't or people will hear about how she broke her ankle falling off a bed in a motel room with the tennis pro. Barb says she was walking the dog, to which Regina quips that she doesn't know the street terms. Barb says Regina knows that didn't happen. Regina says her mom didn't hire a male escort, but if Barb tells her story, Regina will tell hers. Barb tells Lydia it was a lovely party and leaves the kitchen. Ben and Oliver say that was great and what happens when they pitch in together. Lydia banishes them out and once they're gone, she thanks Regina. They go back out to the party and Lydia says if she has the prostitute the whole night, she should get her money's worth. She says someone has to do her dishes and Regina says again that she doesn't know the street terms.
Crystal and Stewart are ready to leave, but Crystal has to use the powder room first. Lydia ushers her last guests out the door. Stewart is sitting in a chair and says he misses it. Lydia says he's not getting it. He can't believe they bought her an escort. For Father's Day, he got a tie. He asks if she's okay and she asks how he moved on so quickly. He says he got lucky and thought she'd be the first to find somebody. He saw her with Kurt and he was jealous. And then he found out he was a sex worker and that helped. Crystal comes and out and is ready to leave. Crystal's looking forward to their shopping date. Lydia asks him if he'll fix that and he says he will. He then goes to Crystal, who asks the same thing.
- Christopher Gorham as Ben Barnes
- Paula Marshall as Regina Barnes
- Ty Burrell as Oliver Barnes
- Jennifer Tilly as Crystal
- Henry Winkler as Stewart Barnes
- Stockard Channing as Lydia Barnes
- Bruce Wright as Ronald
- Kim Oja as Liz
- Jamie Elle Mann as Tina
- Lillian Adams as Patient
- Emory Livers as Orderly
- Bridget Sienna as Hospital Worker
Notes and TriviaEdit
- This was produced as the fifth episode, but aired as the third.
A complete overview of this episode's crew can be found here.
|Out of Practice Episodes|
|#02||"We Wanna Hold Your Hand"||#10||"Guilt Trip"||#18||"Losing Patients"|
|#03||"And I'll Cry If I Want To"||#11||"New Year's Eve"||#19||"Doctors Without Bidders"|
|#04||"The Truth About Nerds & Dogs"||#12||"Yours, Mine or His?"||#20||"If These Floors Could Talk"|
|#05||"Brothers Grim"||#13||"Model Behavior"||#21||"The Lady Doth Protest Too Much"|
|#06||"The Heartbreak Kid"||#14||"Hot Water"||#22||"Breaking Up Is Hard to Do. And Do. And..."|
|#07||"Key Ingredients"||#15||"You Win Some, You Use Some"|
|#08||"The Wedding"||#16||"Doctor of the Year"|
|Out of Practice Episodes|